I am happy to report that my hell is coming to an end and I will not be sleeping under a bridge.
After following the advice of many, I decided to meet up with a native-speaker and form an apartment-seeking fellowship. I required his German-speaking negotiation skills, and he needed my Dr. title to make sure people didn't just regard him as a student. So after having officially received the keys, I will now be moving to a place 4 U-bahn stops down the line, into a less cooler place, but into a much larger apartment with a much more sane flatmate. And you can't put a cool price on sanity.
Now all I have to do is acquire some furniture....
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